The Vortex Bar Etiquette

One of the cool places I frequented a couple of times in Atlanta last week was The Vortex Bar and Grill in Midtown. This was printed on the cover of their drinks menu:

Bar Etiquette

The Vortex offers one of the most extensive selections of beer and spirits to be found anywhere in the city, and we have a pretty popular bar scene because of it. If you don’t normally spend much time in bars, we would like to offer the following guidelines of acceptable BAR behavior. We hope that you will find this information useful. If you already know the ropes, we hope you find it entertaining.

PROVIDING IDENTIFICATION By law, you must present valid identification to consume alcohol no matter how old you are. It doesn’t matter how old you look. If you didn’t bring your I.D. with you, and you are refused a drink, it’s your own damned fault for being a total fuck-tard. We do not make the laws, but we are required to obey them. Our liquor license, and the livelihood of our entire staff depends on it. No I.D.? No booze.

ORDERING FROM THE BARTENDER If the bar is very busy, be ready to order when the Bartender approaches. Questions like, “What’s a good shot?” or, “What beers do you have?” are silly and time consuming. As you can see by our 6-page Liquor Menu, our selection of beers and spirits is very extensive. If you’re not sure what you want, please review this list. It should be helpful. Never say; “I’ll have a gin and tonic, and make it strong.” In doing so you call into question our Bartender’s ability to make a drink. You also make yourself look like a cheap idiot. If you want a double, ask for a double –and be prepared to pay for a double. Never snap your fingers or whistle at the Bartender, because nobody on our staff is actually a Cocker Spaniel.

PAYING FOR YOUR DRINK If you are ordering “cash & carry,” at the bar, have your money ready. Fumbling for your wallet or purse prevents the Bartender from waiting on other customers. Trying to pay for one drink at a time with a credit card is really pathetic, so if you don’t have cash, start a tab.

TIPPING FOR SERVICE Tipping is how our Bartenders make their living. Most people tip somewhere within the 15 to 20 percent range. Some “regulars” tip significantly more, particularly when hanging out at the bar. Rest assured, most Bartenders know who tips well and who doesn’t, and right or wrong, it can make a difference. If you can hear your tip hit the bar, chances are you’re being too cheap. As a general rule, don’t mess with the person who signs your paycheck, cuts your hair, or mixes your drinks. The results are guaranteed to be unpleasant.

SHOWING YOUR ASS Few things are as embarrassing as being cut-off at your favorite bar. Do everyone a favor, and cut yourself off when you’ve had enough, hopefully before you start embarrassing yourself. If any of your friends are worth a damn, they should help you in this regard. If they don’t, consider finding some new friends. If you absolutely insist on making a complete jack-ass of yourself when you drink, you should probably only drink on Saint Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve. Those are official “Amateur Nights,” so you will have lots of company.

ACCEPTING YOUR RESPONSIBILITY Don’t be a fool. Never drive impaired. It’s not worth it. If you don’t have a designated driver, and you are not sure of your own condition, don’t hesitate to ask –we will gladly call you a taxi. We’ve got them on “speed-dial.” A cab ride is always cheaper than a D.U.I., and always safer than driving with a buzz. Cab it. It’s the right thing to do!

Hilarious! I think this should be a mandatory mission statement at every bar. Anyways, I just thought I would share.

Leather, Alcohol, and Bears, Oh My!

What does one do at 2AM on a Saturday morning in Chicago when you're not quite ready to quit partying? Hit the leather bars of course! They remain open until 4AM.

We don't have any gay leather bars in Oklahoma City and they aren't the usual kinds of clubs I visit while traveling. Early Saturday morning we were feeling a little adventurous, most likely due to martinis at Marty's, and we had a tour guide in Jason that was willing to give us a quick run to a couple of leather bars in Chicago.


First stop Touché. It was so awesome that we came here as we know someone who was the runner up to a leather contest here many years ago.

What's really funny, to me, at all three leather bars we attacked was that they were all cavernous, dark places populated by big burly hairy men clad in leather while in the background was the biggest faggoty ass gay music I ever heard (and I really don't mean that in a derogatory way)!

Next up on the tour was JackHammer. No real distinction from Touché, maybe a little newer and cleaner but it was still populated by leather Daddies jamming out to some screaming queen music. What made JackHammer unique was the addition of a bar in the basement called The Hole.

"'The Hole' is a separate party space located below ground @ JackHammer with a strict leather/fetish dress code in effect on Friday and Saturday nights. Open late until 4AM (5AM on Sat.) and has an overall great mix of guys in jeans, military uniforms, leather & fetish gear."

Naturally we, the three Stooges, had to go down there. None of us was wearing leather. No problem, the price of admission ended up just being our shirts. So there we are, Jason, Dann, and myself mingling with an extreme group of gays without our shirts. If only my iPhone had a flash, I would have had blackmail material for life!

Basically the Hole was a small little bar with a side room and an open bathroom in the bar. This means when you're taking a piss you can view the rest of the entire bar. This would definitely be difficult for anyone who's pee shy. Fortunately I was a little drunk.

At one point in the evening a patron of the bar approached Jason and asked, "barebacking tonight?" Like it's just any other pick up line at any other bar! We joked about that encounter the entire rest of the trip and even had to explain to the girls the next night what the pick up line meant. Straight women, go figure.

On top of all this, I have to give a description of the small room in the basement I mentioned earlier. Originally Jason thought it was a bathroom when he proceeded to enter the little room around the corner. After he figured out what was going on he took great delight in taking Dann and I in there individually for our own assessment. Dragged by the arm by Jason it took me a moment to focus through the hazy mist of man sweat. There were dozens of men in several poses of dress and undress doing things that I'm sure are even illegal in Chicago! I could only think that I was living an episode of "Queer as Folk!"

Let's review. It's fun to do different things in the safety of friends. While these kinds of bars aren't really my thing, I had a great time and a couple of great stories to reminisce over for a long while. If you're in Chicago check out the leather bars but bring friends and maybe a pair of leather chaps!

Chicago Recap

I can't believe I've been back in Oklahoma City for a week. The depression is starting to subside, slightly. Rather than boring everyone with a Chicago Trip The Weekend Part 3 post (Saturday night consisted of mainly bar hopping in areas north of downtown), I thought I would just compile a list of impressions and thoughts on the Windy City.

• Old Style beer is hard to find! The only bar I found the cheap Wisconsin beer and the supposed beer of the Chicago Cubs was at a place called Sluggers near Wrigley Field. Everyone gave me a hard time about wanting to drink such a shitty beer but I figured it was something I had to do while in Chicago.
• I was extremely surprised at how clean the city was. Not just in the touristy parts of the city but even in the neighborhoods. I was expecting a little more grime for a city of millions of people. I was never in really bad parts of town so maybe that was the reason for my perception. Next time I'll check out the south side.
• People from Chicago are friendly. Maybe it's the Midwestern attitude but everyone I encountered was very friendly and polite, with the exception of a couple pretentious queens the last night out at Roscoe's. I felt just at home with the people of Chicago as I would with the people of Oklahoma City, as friendliness goes, that's saying a lot.
• Chicago is casual. At least the places I went. I never felt out of place in shorts or jeans no matter where I was at, including the Terrace at Trump. Of course I'm sure there's exceptions to this rule but I went to some pretty fantastic places without having to worry about a dress code. Here a supposedly nice club in Bricktown has a dress code of no sneakers and jeans. Get over yourself OKC!
• My favorite destination in Chicago for drinks was a martini bar called Marty's. The place was very nice and modern, casual, with superb mixologists. Besides, how can you not love a place where the bartender says, "I'd rather be a shooter but drizzling is fine." He was making a chocolate martini at the time.
• I can hear Shiny Toy Guns in Chicago! One of my favorite bands that I hardly ever hear songs from in the clubs in Oklahoma City. I saw the video for "Rocketship" one of our nights out at Sidetrack and I requested anything Shiny Toy Guns at Big Chicks and got "Le Disko." Awesome.

Some shots of the last night out:

Old Style!!

Frozen drinks at Sidetrack after a long trek from Wrigley.

Drinking at Marty's.

At Big Chicks.

So long Chicago, you will be missed! Hopefully I can get back up there soon and see more of what the city has to offer. In the meantime I'll have the memory of great times with new and old friends...

Chicago Trip The Weekend Part 1

Friday

I made arrangements to stay over the weekend in Chicago, I had contemplated just one day but in the end I booked a new flight out on Sunday afternoon.

I finished up working in Chicago on Friday afternoon just after 4PM. The consultant who hired me to travel up there suggested that after work we ride the "L" Red Line (the train line running north and south through downtown) to Wrigley Field. Once there I could see the historic stadium and surrounding area, find somewhere to drink an Old Style beer, and then we could grab some dinner.

Historic Wrigley Field. Save Farris!

The historic Cubby Bear.

Unfortunately the Cubby Bear was closed for a private party due to a gathering of Young Republicans, how bizarre is that? I didn't think they had Republicans in Chicago! My Old Style would have to wait another day. Jackie, the consultant I was working with, took me down the street to a little Italian restaurant, I'd provide a link but I can't remember the name! If anyone was to ask me at pretty much any given time what kind of food I wanted to eat, usually Italian would be at the bottom of my list. As it turns out the place we ate at was awesome. I had a pasta stuffed with dumpling in a veal sauce with truffles. Like I said, really good and really reasonable.

Jackie helped me navigate back to the Magnificent Mile and we said our goodbyes. I had such a great time meeting her and it turns out we have a lot in common on a variety of subjects. I hurried back to my new hotel to meet up with Dann who decided to fly in Friday and hang out with me on the weekend. He just couldn't stand that I was in Chicago having fun without him!

Dann and I headed to a pub to meet Jason so he could eat and we could plan out our night. We decided to go to the Signature Room at the 95th at the John Hancock building. There was a pretty impressive line to get into the elevator as well as into the bar but it was worth the wait, and it also helped that Jason talked a server into giving us a table he was busing, thus probably passing 100 people in line ahead of us! I would post some pictures but the flash on my camera couldn't get the view of the city at night through all the glass windows. Dann should put his pictures on his blog, hint, hint.

From here we grabbed a cab and ended up in Boystown to visit the usual places. One of the best things about the night was a wonderful bartender we found at Sidetrack who (a) didn't know how to make Vegas Bombs and (b) didn't know how to charge for them! At one point Dann bought a round of beers and Vegas Bombs for around twenty bucks, definitely a huge savings over Oklahoma City. We finished the night kicking it at Jason's condo with some beers. I think we finally dragged back to the hotel around 5AM.

A couple of random pictures from the night out:

Chicago Trip Day 3

One of my favorite days in Chicago was on my third day, last Thursday. By this time the wheels were already working in my head on how I could extend my trip through the weekend as I was scheduled to return to Oklahoma City on Friday night. I had an easy day training at work and made arrangements to go out for some sushi with Jason in the early evening. I had whined a little about the lack of good food around the Magnificent Mile so Jason was gracious enough to show me around.

We started out the night by meeting at Crate and Barrel (the only store I actually physically entered besides Walgreens on the Magnificent Mile). From there I was lead to Friends Sushi. The place was great, low lighting, modern, intimate. The server we had, an adorable Asian girl, was helpful suggesting a Thai beer to me I'd never had, Singha. She also suggested a salmon roll to go along with one of the tuna rolls we had and some tuna sashimi. While the overall experience was fabulous, I was a little disappointed in the food. The sushi wasn't bad, I was just expecting something really great, considering I was in Chicago. I was also under the impression, as was Jason I think, that we ordered a couple of spicy rolls that ended up having very little heat to them.

A picture of me at Friends Sushi, I really think my face looks fat without facial hair.

Next on the agenda was drinks at the recently completed Trump Tower. We went up to a restaurant called Sixteen (guess which floor it was on) and sat outside on The Terrace at Trump. With the recent rain the weather was fantastic in the 70's and the view of the surrounding buildings was breaktaking.

The view from The Terrace at Trump. Not a great picture, taken from my cell phone.

The bathroom at The Terrace at Trump was so swanky they had individual hand towels instead of paper towels in the bathroom. I don't know why I get such a kick out of this!

Next Jason took me to the Loop and nearby Millennium Park to see Cloud Gate, also known as "The Bean".

"The Bean." I was unable to get a good picture at night so I ripped this picture off from here.

We walked around the Loop and made our way to a trendy bar called Roof at the Wit hotel. Another great outdoor experience with great weather. Throughout the club there's fire pits that you can stand or sit around producing a great experience. I didn't even know we were outside until Jason pointed it out to me!

Outside the Wit.

We finally finished off our adventures downtown at the Second Story Bar, supposedly Chicago's only gay bar in downtown. Extremely small, dark, and a bit dingy. My kind of place!

Jason and I at the Second Story Bar.

There's actually one more adventure from my third night out in Chicago but I'm inclined to leave it out at the moment. Not all experiences should be shared, maybe. Some of my friends will know what I'm talking about...

Chicago Trip Day 2

I think I've finally recuperated enough to begin writing about the rest of my trip to Chicago, I've been worn pretty slick the last couple of days traveling back and getting back into the swing of things back here in Mayberry.

After work on Wednesday I relaxed a little bit, wandered around Michigan Avenue some more, and finally worked up the nerve to check out Boystown. I'm not sure why I was so apprehensive to travel to Chicago's gay area. Probably because it's such a big city and it's been years since I was last down there. After a short cab ride I wandered around the area for a while trying to find some of the bars that were suggested to me by my friends. I ended up at Roscoe's Tavern, a kind of neighborhood bar, similar to the Park here in Oklahoma City except much larger.

First beer of the night! I was relieved that it was happy hour and only had to pay $2.50 for a domestic beer. There would be many more to follow...

Unfortunately this is the only picture I'll be posting for this day of the trip, I didn't take my camera with me to Boystown for fear of losing it and I didn't get very good pictures from the camera on my phone.

I had the best luck in meeting a local while sitting at the bar at Roscoe's. Since I was from out of town, Jason agreed to take me around to some of the other bars in the area. We stopped off at Sidetrack and Cocktail, both really fun places to hang out. Sidetrack ended up being my favorite bar in Boystown during the entire trip, it's very clean and modern with great music, staff, and drinks.

I'm afraid I was quite intoxicated by the time we finished our bar crawling but as luck would have it Jason lived downtown near my hotel so he gave me a ride back to the Magnificent Mile. He switched to lemonade much earlier in the night anticipating a drive back downtown. Upon our return we checked out the rooftop balcony at his condo and had a couple more beers and some awesome calamari at a bar and restaurant called Bijan's Bistro.

I ended up crashing at Jason's place and got up early enough to make the walk of shame back to my hotel, wearing very wrinkled clothes from the night before in a downpour of rain. I was thinking to myself as I headed to work a little tired and a little hungover that I needed to be careful not to drink too much or stay out too late the rest of the trip since I was in Chicago primarily for work. Wednesday ended up being one of the most tame nights of the entire trip...

Picasso Cafe Re-review

Is re-review a word? I took some heat for my original Picasso Cafe post. Regardless of what some may think my original assessment wasn't an attack on Picasso Cafe or anyone that works there, well maybe I didn't like the server... Anyways, I have known Kim for as long as I've known just about anyone in Oklahoma City. I have specifically gone to places that she's served at or managed because she is simply one of the best restaurant people I've known in this city. Here is my experience with Picasso Cafe last night:

Dann and I got out of seeing a stage production of "Driving Miss Daisy" last night at Lyric at the Plaza around 9:30. We decided to head to Picasso Cafe to grab a quick bite and to check out their new bar next door, The Other Room (no web page yet). It can sometimes be difficult to find a place that serves food later in the evening. Having worked in the industry I hate to go to a restaurant 15 or 20 minutes before they close, people are ready to get the hell out of there after working all night.

We shared the BBQ chicken and jalapeno pizza and had a couple of beers. The pizza was fantastic, the food was fresh and I especially liked the freshly cut jalapenos. The service was great as well and there weren't any issues with ordering beers, though Dann would like Miller Lite on the menu. There was also some live music which was really good as well.

After eating we went next door to The Other Room, a newly opened bar where Isis used to be. We watched the second half of the Thunder/Lakers game, drank some great beer, listened to some good music, and had some interesting Thunder shots. I'm glad the location is open again next door. It's a great venue to just chill and enjoy some drinks with great ambiance.

Go to Picasso Cafe for a pizza and some beer and then have a night cap at The Other Room. It's a hip laid back experience that shouldn't be missed.

Chinese Cigarettes at Bossa Nova

The other night I was hanging with some friends at Bossa Nova, it's a bar atop Cafe do Brazil. I was about to leave and make a cigarette run for everyone when a gentleman overheard me and offered me an unopened pack of cigarettes.


Somehow he had obtained the cigarettes from China. Odd and random huh? The cigarettes were fine, it worked out very well, no one had to leave the beautiful rooftop view and no one turned into a communist after smoking the pack. For the rest of the night all I could think about was a variation of a Margaret Cho bit, "this is not the cigarette of my people!"



Bosso Nova is an awesome destination for some after work drinks. They have great appetizers and the view of downtown from the rooftop sitting area is spectacular!


Definitely check it out; however, don't make the mistake of correcting the server's Spanish as my friend Cris did. We were treated to a visit from the manager as though there was some kind of problem! I shit you not. Like me or my friends would ever cause a problem in a bar...

Always On My Mind

I love this video! The first time I saw it was years ago at the Park. There are always a couple of people on my mind...

Speaking of the Park, I stopped by there the other day to grab a beer after work. Ugh. What happened to their happy hour? There were four patrons at the bar and they were watching TV on the multitude of TV's around the bar (the same folks always there). Apparently reruns of King of the Hill and the Simpsons is a fun bar environment. OKC's gay retro video bar has turned into the Fox rerun bar between 5 and 7. In their defense it's usually pretty hopping on weekend nights, right?

I did have a moment of amusement from stopping by briefly. When I was making my way to the door one of the regulars asked why I leaving so soon. I replied that I couldn't drink that much since I was driving. In unison nearly everyone sitting at the bar said, "so are we!" Funny.

We Are Family (is that clichéd?)

PRIDE!

Saturday and Sunday I celebrated Gay Pride weekend with some friends. After the fall of civilization that was gay marriage (or lack thereof) in Massachusetts I was glad to see a good turn out in OKC. We started the morning off with Dim Sum brunch at Grand House followed by a stroll through Memorial Park. Missing this year at the park was the three-story blow up bottle of lube; we figured it wasn’t present this year since everything is about family and the children these days. The booths were interesting and there were a lot of diverse people in the crowd. We signed a lot of petitions, took lots of free crap, and entered every drawing we could find. I still don’t know what I’m going to do if I win that Grill Master 3000. Other than the sweltering heat and Miles singing and dancing we had a good time.
Sunday I went down to the strip and hung out with Miles again at the Park until the parade started. Once again the turn out was good but the heat was overbearing. I didn’t stay out too long after the parade; trying to pack into Angles with 25,0000 sweaty people for free draw beer isn’t very appealing. It was good to run into a lot of people that I haven’t seen in a while, and I had a blast with all the festivities as I do every year. I’ll post some pictures of the parade a little later today or tomorrow.

Bricktown!

I'm still trying to recover from the busy weekend so I haven't had time to do much posting. More on that later... I went out to eat with the Asian :) on Thursday at the Deep Fork Grill and then we met some friends in Bricktown. We started the night at club LiT. Very cool bar with a casual atmosphere, no cover charge or dumb ass dress code (I mean really, do we have to dress up to go to a bar in downtown OKC?) We hung out at the patio bar upstairs called the TwiLiT Lounge. On our way back to the car we hit club Venu. Meh. Very nice bar but the music and drunks could have been better (yes I said drunks and didn't mean drinks!). After that we headed out to the usual places. All in all it was a fun night especially since I don't do too much partying in Bricktown.