One of the cool places I frequented a couple of times in Atlanta last week was The Vortex Bar and Grill in Midtown. This was printed on the cover of their drinks menu:
The Vortex offers one of the most extensive selections of beer and spirits to be found anywhere in the city, and we have a pretty popular bar scene because of it. If you don’t normally spend much time in bars, we would like to offer the following guidelines of acceptable BAR behavior. We hope that you will find this information useful. If you already know the ropes, we hope you find it entertaining.
By law, you must present valid identification to consume alcohol no matter how old you are. It doesn’t matter how old you look. If you didn’t bring your I.D. with you, and you are refused a drink, it’s your own damned fault for being a total fuck-tard. We do not make the laws, but we are required to obey them. Our liquor license, and the livelihood of our entire staff depends on it. No I.D.? No booze.
ORDERING FROM THE BARTENDER
If the bar is very busy, be ready to order when the Bartender approaches. Questions like, “What’s a good shot?” or, “What beers do you have?” are silly and time consuming. As you can see by our 6-page Liquor Menu, our selection of beers and spirits is very extensive. If you’re not sure what you want, please review this list. It should be helpful. Never say; “I’ll have a gin and tonic, and make it strong.” In doing so you call into question our Bartender’s ability to make a drink. You also make yourself look like a cheap idiot. If you want a double, ask for a double –and be prepared to pay for a double. Never snap your fingers or whistle at the Bartender, because nobody on our staff is actually a Cocker Spaniel.
PAYING FOR YOUR DRINK
If you are ordering “cash & carry,” at the bar, have your money ready. Fumbling for your wallet or purse prevents the Bartender from waiting on other customers. Trying to pay for one drink at a time with a credit card is really pathetic, so if you don’t have cash, start a tab.
TIPPING FOR SERVICE
Tipping is how our Bartenders make their living. Most people tip somewhere within the 15 to 20 percent range. Some “regulars” tip significantly more, particularly when hanging out at the bar. Rest assured, most Bartenders know who tips well and who doesn’t, and right or wrong, it can make a difference. If you can hear your tip hit the bar, chances are you’re being too cheap. As a general rule, don’t mess with the person who signs your paycheck, cuts your hair, or mixes your drinks. The results are guaranteed to be unpleasant.
SHOWING YOUR ASS
Few things are as embarrassing as being cut-off at your favorite bar. Do everyone a favor, and cut yourself off when you’ve had enough, hopefully before you start embarrassing yourself. If any of your friends are worth a damn, they should help you in this regard. If they don’t, consider finding some new friends. If you absolutely insist on making a complete jack-ass of yourself when you drink, you should probably only drink on Saint Patrick’s Day and New Year’s Eve. Those are official “Amateur Nights,” so you will have lots of company.
ACCEPTING YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
Don’t be a fool. Never drive impaired. It’s not worth it. If you don’t have a designated driver, and you are not sure of your own condition, don’t hesitate to ask –we will gladly call you a taxi. We’ve got them on “speed-dial.” A cab ride is always cheaper than a D.U.I., and always safer than driving with a buzz. Cab it. It’s the right thing to do!
Hilarious! I think this should be a mandatory mission statement at every bar. Anyways, I just thought I would share.