Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Predictions for 2011

I've been gazing into my crystal ball today trying to get a feel for what will happen in 2011. Here's what I've seen so far...

  • Recently elected Speaker of the House of Representatives John Boehner will cry, in public.

  • Scientists will discover that the Mayan calendar was off a year and the world as we know it will end in December of 2011 rather than 2012.

  • Walt Disney will be unfrozen from his tomb under Disney World and will immediately produce "Song of the South II," the byline for the movie will be, "this time the racism is personal!"

  • "Cowboys and Aliens" will become the highest grossing movie in 2011.

  • The American economic and military empire will finally collapse making way for another superpower to reign supreme over the globe. A thousand years from now history books will refer to America as "Rome II: The Revenge."

  • The Fox News Network will engage in hyperbole.

  • Anwar Sadat will rise from the grave with a thirst for brains.

  • The Jewish and Muslim people of the Middle East will finally unite in peace only to be invaded by Sweden shortly after.

  • Republicans and Democrats will agree to abolish their respective political parties and create a new one-party system call Recorpricats.

  • U.S. President Obama will be impeached when it comes to light that he was actually born in The Hague, Netherlands.

  • Once again the top song of 2011 will be by a female recording artist that will have been played so much by the end of the year that test lab rats will kill themselves upon hearing it. I'm looking at you Kesha...

  • Darren McGavin will rise from the grave with a thirst for brains.

  • Christianity will fall out of vogue worldwide in favor a new cult worshipping a giant flying spaghetti monster.

  • Pat Robertson will become a proponent of the legal use of marijuana (oh wait, that already happened!).

My visions may be a little fuzzy and some of the details may be a little inaccurate, but I'm telling you, most of this shit is going down in the next 12 months!

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