Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Drug Test Fail

Yesterday I had to go take a drug test for the city.  My other experiences with urine testing for other jobs, etc. was pretty mundane in comparison.  I was always just handed a bottle and shown to a one toilet bathroom to do my business.  Fill the cup, hand it to a tech and be on my way. 

Yesterday I was greeted by a very fancy man, tech, handling the samples.  He was clad in dress clothes, smart shoes, a bow tie, and a long coat, I'm thinking it was vicuña.  He had an air about him as if his shit didn't stink.  I thought, hey buddy, you're the one handling urine all day.  But whatever, this isn't what was odd about my visit...

We were instructed to follow the guy in the mink coat into the men's bathroom two at a time.  Not only was I going to be watched while pissing into a cup I had the pleasure of it being a ménages à trois.  Normally I'm pretty pee shy.  I'm the kind of guy who will head to a stall in a crowded public bathroom or wait until one is open.  Luckily I had prepared myself with a couple of glasses of water in the morning and a cup of hot chocolate on the way to the testing facility.  After inquiring how much was to be filled, I did my business but not without a bit of a struggle.  I proceeded to wash my hands and wait for the other tester.

From the middle stall I heard the second tester tell the tech he was unable to pee.  Before he could get a response he then added that he did have to take a shit and could probably urinate that way.  Shit.  His words not mine.  Embarrassed the tester told him to do what he has to do.  At this point I'm ready to bail on being in this bathroom.  Of course I wasn't allowed to leave individually.  I had to wait for the whole group.  Lovely.

I enjoyed this man taking a shit from three feet away.  Even worse than the whole ordeal and the smell:  after handing the tech his cup, the poop attack guy proceeds to grab the door handle and pull it as if to leave.  Mr. Fancy Tech asked him incredulously if he was going to wash his hands.  He bashfully did.

That was my morning yesterday.  How was yours?

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