Tuesday, March 26, 2013

My Evolving Marriage Position

What with all the never ending news coverage of The Supremes hearing arguments about Prop 8 in California and DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) this week, I've suddenly decided that I may agree with conservatives that marriage may not be appropriate for all parties. Specifically Catholics.

First and foremost we all know that God intended for the Bible to only apply to Protestants and people of the Jewish faith (well at least the first half). This has to be evident by some of the bat shit crazy rituals that Catholics perform.

Most disturbing is the Catholic preoccupation with zombies and vampires. Of course Jesus never really wanted his followers to munch on his body and drink his blood! And even if he did, Catholics, you're doing it wrong! How does one go from the body and blood of Christ to grape juice and rice cakes? If one is unable to follow the literal teachings of the good word, how is one expected to raise children in a truly Christian environment? And since marriage is for the sole purpose of procreation, Catholics should be banned from marrying. Strike one Catholics.

Secondly, I learned during the conclave recently in Rome to pick the new Pope that the "retiring" Pope wears Prada shoes! If you wear Prada, and you are a man, you are gay. Therefore all the followers of the Pope are homosexuals and that is inconsistent with marriage and thus Catholics should be barred from marrying. (I know it seems like a stretch but I'm just using typical conservative logic[TM]). Strike two Catholics.

Finally, and I'm relying a little on Bill Maher here, some Catholic traditions and rituals were pulled right out of someone's ass over the last couple of centuries. Priests can't marry? If you have a vagina you can't be a priest? In order to bribe your way in to heaven you must give confession from time to time? The invention of the holy ghost? Our souls came out of a volcano billions of years ago... oh wait, that's another lunacy altogether. The bible doesn't mention any of these rules! Obviously if Catholics feel that the original word laid down by God isn't good enough they are heretics and unfit to procreate and therefore should not be allowed to marry.

Alternatively where in the Constitution does it specify that anyone has the right to marry anyone? Are we using a different Constitution than the one God personally handed to Thomas Jefferson?

Obviously I'm just kidding around. I actually kind of dig Catholics and they are among my favorite mentally ill people in the world. I love conversing with them in airports with their bald heads and tambourines... oh wait, wrong again. The pomp and procedures and rituals of the church can be quite beautiful. And the head of the church wears Prada shoes! How fucking cool is that?

My point is that any idiot can come up with any reason to deny anyone the right to marry. The current argument in front of the Supreme Court that marriage is only for procreation may be the craziest of all.

Don't agree with gay marriage in America? Move to Rwanda, you'll fit right in there...


Bob said...

You've summed it up nicely!

www.DiatribesAndOvations.com said...

Well done!

If you don't want a gay marriage, don't have one.