"Did everyone hear the Stanford place kicker tried to kill himself after the Fiesta Bowl? He failed when he was unable to kick the chair out from underneath himself!"
"Thank goodness I know who Todd Palin's voting for! Now if only Kim Kardashian would weigh-in I might be able to make up my mind!"
"Any of my friends or family who might be considering voting for one of these jack holes: do me, yourself, and Charles Darwin a favor and shoot yourself in the face..."
"Did everyone hear that the LSU football team hasn't made it back to Baton Rouge yet? Someone painted a 50 yard line across the highway!"
"So wait, the Neverending Story was sang by a guy??"
"Perry's out of the race?? Who else is going to send troops back to Iraq and get rid of those three departments in the federal government? You know the ones, um, yeah well those three bad ones..."
"I love all the Republican candidates left: Grumpy, Dopey, Richie, and Churchie."
"If the government would lower the capital gains tax rate to zero percent it would encourage so much economic growth in this country that we'd finally be able to put a colony on the moon!!"