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You Know You're From Oklahoma If...

I'm sitting here hoping the rain will subside so I can make a trip to the State Fair and eat something, anything, fried on a stick! You know the State Fair is going on in Oklahoma City because it's fucking raining.

Speaking of "you know" phases, here's another list I found online this morning on how you know you're from Oklahoma. It's a little longer than the other list I posted on this blog as my first post ever.

Though many of the items on this list are indicative of life in Oklahoma, a lot of them could be swapped with another state in the south or Bible Belt.

You know you're from Oklahoma if...

You say ya'll... many times a day.
Bedlam is a BIG deal.
You can tell when it's tornado weather.
When you drive through a neighborhood anyone out walking will smile and wave at you. You've worn flip flops in the winter.
You have stopped to let a family of deer cross the road.
You thought the twister ride at Universal Studios wasn't windy enough.
You know who your neighbors are, how many children they have, and when one of them gets married or graduates.
There are at least 2 to 3 Sonics, McDonald's, and Little Caesar's in your town. You've been off roading - many times.
You or someone you know was born, raised and still lives in the same town.
You know that Miami, Oklahoma and Miami, Florida are pronounced two different ways. You plan events around football games.
You are a Cowboy or Sooner fan.
You learned how to do country and western dances at school.
A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and look for a funnel. You can properly pronounce Eufaula, Gotebo, Okemah and Chickasha.
You can remember the name of the last state legislator to introduce a bill involving castration, and he didn't mean farm animals.
You know exactly what calf fries are, and eat them anyway.
You think that people who complain about the wind in other states are sissies.
It doesn't bother you to use an airport named for a man who died in an airplane crash.
You have owned at least one belt buckle bigger than your fist.
A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.
It doesn't seem odd to see the term "chicken fried chicken" on a menu.
You save all your life for your dream vacation, and use it to go to the OU/Texas game.
It doesn't seem peculiar if your sweetie says "I'm going in to town for something" even though you live in town.
You don't turn on the news until 20 minutes past the hour, because that's the only thing you care about anyway.
Your quarterback is hurt and it is the top story on the six o'clock news.
You keep track of the grain and hog futures on the radio.
You don't buy all your vegetables at the grocery store.
You go to the State Fair for your only vacation.
You get up at 5:30 A.M. and go to the coffee shop, where the waitress never asks what you would like. She already knows.
You are on a first name basis with the county sheriff.
You think that using the elevator involves a corn truck.
You can drive 80 mph on a two-lane dirt road with one hand, but driving 45 mph on a four-lane expressway in a city scares you to death.
You use manure on your grass instead of Weed and Feed.
Your nearest neighbor is in the next zip code.
You know the difference between feed corn and sweet corn... while it's still on the stalk.
You wear cowboy boots to church.
You know that everything goes better with Ranch.
You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.
"You wanna Coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr. Pepper."
You know what "Orange Power" and "Crimson & Cream" means.
You actually get these jokes and are fixin' to send them on to other friends from Oklahoma.

Anyone out there from another state want to share a similar list?

Lindsay Lohan

I'm patiently waiting for the Senate vote on the repeal of DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell) which isn't looking good. In the meantime I had this joke to share:

Have you heard of the new shot called Lindsay Lohan?
It's basically a Red Headed Slut with a splash of Coke.

Hehe. Thanks to Mel, the Captain, or J. for the joke, I can't remember who told it first.

Five Horses

My dad emailed me the following joke. I thought it was pretty funny so I decided I would post it here:

A man asked an American Indian the name of his wife.
He replied, "She called Five Horses."
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean...
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

Dad also mentioned it should have been mom's name...

500th blog post! Amazing!

How to Give a Cat a Pill

Dann showed me this joke yesterday and it was so funny I had to post it here for those who haven't seen it!

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little fucker's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.